“Notice Me” A Teens Plea
In the book, Five Flavors of Dumb, the lead character, and high school Senior, Piper, is struggling with her identity and being noticed. In the midst of this turmoil, her younger brother Finn says to her, “I don’t know…I guess I just want to feel like I have my own identity…that when we get home Mom and Dad will stop telling me I’m a shadow of you, that if I had one percent of your work ethic maybe I’d amount to something.” Teenagers deal with self-identity issues as part of growing up. They are trying to figure out who they are, what they are good at and where they fit in. Social media gives them a new arena in which to try-on different personas. While this is may be fun or enticing for them, there is more at play in identity development than what their friends affirm or reject.
Your teenager needs you to notice them. By notice I do not mean to recognize their achievements or failures, but rather to hear what they do right, to hear what they say and what they do not say, and to hear what they communicate nonverbally. They are forming opinions about self, and there is enough in this world telling them what they are doing wrong. Media images tell them what is perfect and desirable, according to marketers’ standards. But those are perfect ideals…and frankly, unattainable ones. Psychologist Carl Rogers suggested that humans encounter problems when they get off track trying to be an “ideal” self, rather than an authentic one. The ideal is defined by external factors, which may not be healthy or good. Parents have tremendous influence in their teenager’s identity development by encouraging the true and authentic to come out. That means when teenagers are mad, sad, or discouraged, they may not fully know it. A parent changes that by noticing their teenager, by talking about how the teenager is coming across, and simply being present with them, not trying to fix anything.
How does a parent help? By being present. Start here:
- Watch your teenager. By watch, I don’t mean stalk them. Rather, watch her with the fascination you did when she was a baby, and every action or sound meant something.
- Hide distractions like your phone, your laptop and the TV. Spend time with the child who was and the young person he is becoming. Go to the park, throw a ball, swing and talk.
- Encourage the authentic her wastefully. Your son or daughter needs cheerleaders. A parent or parents should be the biggest in her life.
- Ask about his fears and expectations. Do it non-judgmentally. These conversations build trust for when you need to provide corrective input.
- Recognize the person, the individual and celebrate him for being him.
- In spiritual language, help her become the person God intends for her to be.
For the Dr. Seuss fans: Gertrude sings to Horton in Seussical, the Musical:
My eyes are too small.
I have very large feet.
And I’m not very proud of my pitiful tweet
But I’ve now got a tail
That is something to see…
Oh, notice me, Horton, feather by feather.
This is your next-door neighbor calling!
Notice me, Horton.
Horton, together
We could be great
Oh, notice me, Horton
Put down the clover!
This is your next door neighbor calling.
There’s a new leaf
Your neighbor’s turned over.
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for all #ParentsofYouth and other adults who want to help http://t.co/NW7dYhSF #SJUMCyouthLE
“Notice Me” A Teens Plea http://t.co/PaE64o2B #SMP
“Notice Me” A Teens Plea http://t.co/Dnsyx6MA #SMP
Wonder What Your Teen Wants from you? “Notice Me” http://t.co/PaE64o2B #SMP
interesting article on the importance of “being” an influence with youth… http://t.co/40GbEoCI