Eye-Rolling and Teenagers

“My wife comes downstairs with a broken stick. She throws it on the table and begins to talk out loud to… NOBODY! ‘Gonna tell me that you’re not going to do something when I tell you to do something. I mean you MOVE when I say move! Think I carried you in my body for nine months so you can roll your eyes at me? I’ll roll that little head of yours down on the floor. You don’t know who you’re fooling with. I’ll beat you until you can’t grow anymore!’” Bill Cosby, Himself

The Cosby Show was a great influence on my life, growing up with Theo Huxstable and his family, but Bill Cosby as a stand up comedian has stood the test of time for me as a parenting handbook. To this day, when I give my kids a slice of cake, the have to sing, “Dad is great. He gave us the chocolate cake.” It does not matter if the cake is chocolate or not, they sing! Thus recently when I saw a friend’s child roll their eyes at something the mother had just said, I I cringed and thought about seeing that little head roll down the floor.

Teenagers are experts at rolling their eyes. It is one of the best ways for them to express displeasure with a parent or friend nonverbally. It is also disrespectful. In fact, according to a survey by the folks over at empoweringparents.com, eye-rolling rated as the 7th most “Annoying Teen Behavior.” They offer some very good advice for dealing with it at the link provided.  While they give advice about how you address it as a parent, I’d like to take the time to consider what your child or teenager wants you to know about their expression.

“When rolling our eyes, we are still listening.” How many times has a spouse, friend, coach or boss told you something that made you role your eyes, only to have you reflect on it later and realize it was good advice? Probably more often than you’ll admit aloud. Your teenager may pretend that they did not hear you, or even try to express that they do not care. But if they are listening enough to hear you say something eye-roll worthy, chances are they want to hear something from you as their parent. They are listening to you and care more than you realize. Teenagers do not always realize this themselves. They are caught in trying to establish their own identities, and you play a dual role. One role is the parent of their childhood that they used to cling to and curl up with. The other is the parent that will not let them be the adult they think they are. You are either good or evil in their eyes, sometimes both at the same time. Do not take it personally, its all a part of teenagers identity formation and quest for independence.

Regardless, they still need you to be a parent. They still want you to be a parent. Your time and communication tells them you care about who they are and who they are becoming. By talking with your teens, you open yourself up to the roll of the eyes. This is their inner struggle, and it is a struggle for you and I as parents because we want our kids to respect us. Keep it in perspective though. They occasionally need a little win, and an eye-roll is one I let mine get away with sometimes, most often because I find it humorous, especially when they know I’m right. They also know I love them because I take the time to be their dad.

1. Tim Moore says:

   January 8, 2013 at 9:03 pm

   Great column, Brian, though for a moment I thought you were revealing a part of Denise’s personality that I hadn’t seen before. Loved the section on what teens are communicating when they roll their eyes.

   Reply